Man vs. Machine

I'm pleased to report I didn't blow up the washer (or dryer--thank goodness it had "Power," "Normal," and "Start" buttons as well!) the other day. You see, I've always had an adversarial relationship with machines of every kind. Well, that's not exactly true. Machines really don't care, do they? The real problem lies with me.

My brain has never been able to process how machines work. The instruction manuals that accompany them might as well be written in Swahili-for the life of me I can't understand what they're trying to communicate.

With cars all I've ever known is where to put the key, where to pump the gas, and how to write a check. It was years before I realized that little arrow on the dashboard told you what side the gas tank was on.

You want to know how bad this gets? I've never mastered what to do with those "M" keys on the simplest calculator you can buy. I think they have something to do with remembering something, but once I've gotten the answer to what 12 x 35 equals I don't know what I'm supposed to remember.

My brother-in-law has not one but several of those tool chest of drawer things that stand five feet tall in his garage. Plus all these other contraptions that look to me like characters in a Transformers movie. Somehow I've managed to survive for 66 years with a little red tackle box containing such basic tools that one might guess I purchased them at Fred Flintstone's yard sale.

My absolute worst nightmare is when something goes haywire with my computer. Which seems to happen quite often. Suddenly out of nowhere some rogue predator is released from the bowels of Hell that changes my search engine or starts bombarding me with pop-up ads.

Most recently Skype quit working and Mozilla was crashing like twenty times a day. Restarting the computer (my go-to solution for everything) didn't work, nor did the power of prayer. What to do? After Googling my problems (between crashes) and finding answers that either didn't help or were beyond my comprehension I decided to throw shit against the wall and see what stuck.

I downloaded anti-malware programs, system cleaners, and anything else I could think of to exorcise these demons. Guess what? After giving my computer a super-sized software enema it works just fine again! Which of the many weapons I hurled did the trick? Do you think I care?

It's inevitable the day will come when I have to discard the cheap piece of crap cell phone I now use for a smart phone. Or smart watch. Or maybe some stylish smart sunglasses. I'm open to the cool possibilities these gizmos offer, but understand I starting from the position of regarding an app as something you order before the main course.

In the meantime I'll keep plodding along one load of clothes, computer crisis, and phone call at a time. To tell you the truth, all of that suits me just fine.