On the day of President Obama's national address Congressman John Lewis from Georgia announced a bold new initiative he called the “Stimulate Your Package” plan. The thrust of the program would provide vouchers to American men redeemable for free Viagra.
“In this economy people ain’t going out and spending no money,” he said. “If they’re staying home, they might as well have a good time.”
Lewis was recently chastised for reversing his position on closing the prison at Guantanamo Bay. He explained, “When y’all was talking about closing GitMo I thought you meant welfare or something. In my district they be saying they need to git mo’ food stamps and git mo’ unemployment checks.”
Early reaction to the announcement indicates rare bipartisan support. Former President Bill Clinton said, “I think it goes without saying where I stand on this important issue.” Vice-President Joe Biden, known to repeat his words, outdid himself when he remarked, “It’s hard out there right now for hard-working Americans, and it’s even harder for guys who have a hard time getting hard. Did I say that? What did I say?”
Stiff opposition is expected from women’s rights groups. But Kandi Cane, prostitute advocacy spokesperson, said her group, Chicks for Tricks, is not among them. “Woo hoo,” was her reaction to the news. “Our girls give it a ‘two legs up’!”
Pfizer, maker of Viagra, will soon promote the initiative by distributing free lapel pins with the familiar blue triangular shape. Company official Woodrow “Woody” Mourning said, “Stimulate Your Package” is what we need to get Americans off their feet. This is the change Pfizer has been waiting for.”
Celebrities have been quick to respond. Rapper Snoop Dogg, known for his album Doggystyle, uttered a string of noises that all ended with “izzle.” Contacted on his couch, reclusive TV star Butthead commented, “Uh-h-h-huh-huh-huh-----you said-------package.”
As of this writing the position of missionaries is unknown but expected to remain horizontal.