WHY IT'S GOOD TO HAVE B.O.

We’re constantly inundated with the results of new studies about everything under the sun. Who thinks of these things, who’s paying for them (I hope to God it’s not us taxpayers), and how can you really trust the findings? Oat bran—it’s good for you—no it’s not—well, maybe it is. Vitamin E---the miracle cure for whatever ails you—oops, scratch that, and quit taking supplements too. Geez, experts, will you make up your damn minds?

Here are two new studies relating to men that caught my eye. One claims that smarter men not only have more brainpower but also more and better sperm. I don't know about you, but as I’ve traveled down the Yellow Brick Road of life I’ve encountered a LOT more scarecrows than Wizards. Perhaps we can surmise that intelligent guys’ thoughts are centered between their ears whereas knuckleheads are focused more between their legs. Unfortunately quantity is winning out over quality and it seems inmates are taking over the asylum. Everywhere I go I feel more and more like that kid in The Sixth Sense---I see dumb people.

Another study claims women can tell the difference between a man’s “regular” smell and his “sexual” smell. I’ve gotta doubt the validity of this one from the get-go. When I was in high school my scent surely approximated that of a rabbit in heat but the only scoring I managed was on my SAT. Must have been wearing too much English Leather cologne.

Speaking of which, check out the methodology of this study. Men were asked not to wear anything scented for two days, including deodorant. One day they placed a pad under their armpits that collected sweat while doing sexual things like watching pornography; the next day they switched to a dry pad when they were not doing sexual things. Then women actually smelled both of the pads while hooked up to a machine that recorded their brain waves.

Wow. I don’t know about you, but one day without deodorant and I’m pretty “ripe.” After two days I’d smell like a rotting corpse. You might not be surprised to learn that the women reacted differently to the pads. In the first case areas of the brain were activated related to emotion, smell, and social response. As in, “Yikes. This guy reeks. Get me out of here so I can puke!.” The non-sexual smells didn’t activate this area of the brain. What did you expect, you intellectual idiots—the poor women were catatonic!

Taken at face value perhaps we can conclude from these two studies that smart men should watch lots of porn and stop wearing deodorant, thereby increasing the chances of unleashing their superior spermpower on the ladies and producing outstanding offspring (unless they hook up with the checkout girl at Dollar General--then all bets are off). Guys, go forth and stultify. And hey, dummies, I may have an old bottle of Canoe around here somewhere for you. We need you to stop---and smell like roses.